Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best
Dude he's the best wing man ever. He starts creepin' on a woman, and she clings on to you out of fear.
He ate me out like a beaver on a tree. I've never been so scared in my life
You turned byob into bring your own shit show. Good work.
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
wanna mail me your GoPro for St.Patties and I'll mail it back to you coverend in puke?
I was behind him snuggling, I told him I was the big spoon and he told me I was too little it was more like he was wearing a backpack.
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
I've found my soulmate with the cardboard Dos Equis man.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
It’s a good thing I’m the only one in the office today. My boy toy stopped by and now there is jiz all over my desk and couch
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