i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
trent lit his nipple on fire and said "i am the only highlander"
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
I think my penis got bigger when i lost weight
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
Im glad the only reason we got out of bed today was to get Halloween candy on sale.
if i had known the extra weight would have gone to my tits, i would have started drinking years ago
we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.
you win some, you lose some.
All I know is I woke up with his business card in my bra and in my handwriting on the back it says 8 inch.
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
What's an appropriate gift to bring to my boyfriend's wife's baby shower?
Shame?
What am I supposed to say? "Oh hey, I can't go out with you tonight because I can't picture myself sleeping with you and I was high and just trying to be nice when I said yes"?
Its like Gods punishment for wanting to party
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