I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
I just rolled a joint with a page from On The Road by Kerouac. I have never felt like more of a hipster.
He says I tipped the waitress ten dollars because she "smelled like pigs in a blanket."
Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar
Blow your rape whistle
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Randomize
