That can be our thanksgiving, vodka and cornbread. Just like the pilgrims.
The only reason anyone found out he threw up is because everyone heard it sizzle the bonfire out.
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
he spent an hour trying to convince us that Ted Nugent is Kid Rock from the future. by the end of it i was very close to believing him.
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.
My girlfriend is pregnant with her exs baby. 2014 just became the worst year
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
What's an appropriate engagement gift for the girl that's marrying your brother's Tuesday night hookup? Cause all I can think of is vodka and Kleenex.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
We're friends with benifits... The benifits being I'm fucking her boyfriend
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
Randomize
