I really want to fuck my wifes sister.
Wish i knew that 10 minutes ago when i told him to dance with my blackberry while i got another drink
i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3
Ketchup is God's man juice
I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.
Moment of silence for the loss of that option.
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
That's the ultimate walk-of-shame: running away from your own apartment and hiding in a McDonald's.
I just watched a porn called gay of thrones and I think I've reached a new low in my life
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