Straightened my pubes. My dick looks like John Lennon fucked Gonzo.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."
Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now
I hear the sound of that stray bird you rescued from the kitchen but am too busy drunkenly masturbating to feed it
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
Do you think it's safe to mix miralax with a tequila sunrise?
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
Nick's drunk off his ass and Kyle just Texted me and all he said was "butt pirates from space".
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
I don't even think NICOLE made a fool of herself last night...
your aware she lit herself on fire, right?
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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