Bea Arthur died! :(
What?
Big bird passed.
You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
It must be a full moon weekend. All of my weird booty calls are coming out of the woodwork. I spent 40 minutes on the phone last night telling one why he is so creepy.
We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
Just so you know, I'm standing in my bra eating cereal. My keys were in the cereal box.
You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.
I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?
HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??
Cops on bikes. I think I can outrun them.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
I feel like I'm eight miles away and my brain is just now getting here. You got a lot of fucking catching up to do.
He sent me a picture of Reese's peanut butter cups next to his dick. Of course I went over.
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
Randomize
