i just met rob pattinson in italy. he's so stupid, i feel like i would have to say "your penis goes here!"
You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?
hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that
is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?
She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.
There are now half chewed girl scout cookies plastered to my windshield. Do you know anything about this?
Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
My genitals don't want beer. They want to not feel like they wandered into a hornet's nest.
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
That's the 2nd med student that has had his tongue in my butthole, what gives.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
I'm a freaking penguin. one mate for life, and really awkward at parties
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