oh vodka. i could write you a sonnet.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.
The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
I hate to stick you with the friend but I did all the work.
It's 10:15 on a Wednesday night and my dick is covered in pop rocks. How's your Wednesday going?
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
She sent a group text pic called "Assemble" of his dick next to her forearm.
I'm down.
Randomize
