you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever
You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
I'm pretty sure I just came a kidney stone..
Have you ever realized how weird it is to think that you've fucked someone and don't know what their handwriting looks like?
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
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