I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
make sure nobody uses the downstairs toilet. i like to have an unused toilet for the weekends. dont shit where you puke i always say.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
My stalker sent me an erotic poem. Who knew anyone could find a way to rhyme birth and girth so eloquently?
I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
I just got into the cab. It smells like weed and the driver looks like someone who may or may not be really talented at playing the saxophone. He also asked me my thoughts on porn when I told him I'm an actor. I might not make it home.
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
The house hit rave levels when La Bamba came on which confuses me because I live in white suburban Canada
PARA BAILAR LA BAMBA ASSHOLES
I'm up in my room and I just saw a naked guy sprint out into the streets from my mom's party downstairs
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
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