So my Christmas cards this year will be my mug shot with my kids face photo shopped next to me....too ghetto?
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..
How so?
Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
You know me. im down for anything that could harm my well being. lets dress like dolphins so everyone will see what dicks they are.
You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude
Not sorry that my walk of shame this morning was barefoot on my scooter.
That and I was watching this life alert commercial and I'm pretty sure my liver turned up the volume for more information
I just want to make out with him forever
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
Omg there's puke under my pillow. Clearly I puked and tried to hide it. From myself. \n
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
He showed up at my house drunk with a pizza and said he wanted to lazily finger me while I watched supernatural. Who was I to say no?
Randomize
