god, a vagina is an amazing trump card
Just tried to put my sweatpants on backwards...the chances of passing my physics exam just went down about 100%.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
You know you're old when tea and a hot bath are more appealing than beer pong with lesbians.
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.
I dunno what the deal was, but you spent about an hour trying to put your phone charger in the outlet and you were yelling "one plug to rule them all"
Where the fuck are you? I just got punched in the nose by a tourist
She got up, grabbed me a box of gushers told me to start eating, and immediately gave me the best head I've ever gotten.
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
This is the third time this month a guy I’m not dating has dumped me. How is this even possible???
Did you really think putting a napkin over your head would make you giving him a bj less obvious?
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
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