I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.
Why is there broken glass in my purse?
You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting
After we had sex he made me watch a Top Gun highlight video...
She shoved a hot dog in my pocket and started grinding on it.
logically I know i should probably study somewhere outside my dorm room, but if I do that then I cant drink and smoke half as much while i study
I got my period today and I cried tears of joy. And then just cried because my cramps are actually killing me from the inside out.
A drunk and bleeding peter is knocking on your door... in nothing more than a sombrero, boxers and cowboy boots.
We showed up to the ER to pick him up and I was still wearing face paint from the game. Then I threw up in the sink. Those doctors did not like us at all.
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Any chance he has an open marriage? That penis shouldn’t be wasted on one woman. It should be shared with all womankind, or at least me. I’m too good at sex to be deprived a penis that large
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
