I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.
was the water running?
yeah but he said he knows how to swim
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...
Hey, can you come over and kill me real quick
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
As much as I enjoyed playing drunk half naked twister and talking about my daddy issues last time, I'll have to pass.
I'm pretty sure your ex of four years just had a baby with some kid and named it after you...
He and I tag each other in memes all day. You could say it's getting pretty serious.
just call my name and ill be there, if we are puking, beating up bitches, or pickin up men, OR avoiding wierd men, so many situations require a wingman
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
The bouncers found you passed out on the toilet. They tried to move you but you refused and repeatedly shouted that you wanted to go out like Elvis.
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
Randomize
