Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.
If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.
Im watching hello kitty on qvc debating if its a good idea to cook bagel bites on my space heater
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
the EMT asked how you broke your nose and you said, "you know, the usual wear and tear."
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Do you ever just feel the storm building inside of you that tells you you're ready for a giant indiscriminate fuckfest?
I will be DAMNED if anyone but me breastfeeds my cat.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
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