Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
For the record we tried to find 4th of july porn. Did not turn out well.
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
I wouldn't know what to do. You never really mentally prepare for a cactus getting thrown at your face.
Basically I will actually need a reindeer pulled sleigh to make it to all the penises in one night.
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
Randomize
