i'm watching a show about a girl who died from masterbating with a carrot. A FUCKING CARROT, EMILY! YOU NEED TO BE CAREFUL!
He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.
Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
i wish it would rain vodka just once. i have not puked yet bring it on
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
Dude. That Grinch had his priorities right when he was worried that there might be a cash bar at that town celebration.
this new dose of ADD meds is totally being waisted with the unemployed new graduate thing if only I could add my hyper focused side effects to a coverletter
Just had a flashback of scottish man yellin' at my face. What the fuck I did?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
All I remember is me taking my automatic nerf gun getting on top of him and saying..."look whos in control now!"
He said when the pizza came I zip locked one slice and went to the couch and snuggled with it. Does that give you an idea of how my night was?
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
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