it was terrible. i could've done a better job by myself.
So tell me more about the cum that came out of your nose
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
idk how it happened. she made a very smooth transition from crying to blowing me
i just overheard a girl at the next table saying she gave up sex for lent
don't you ever do that...
i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"
Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
Hope I didn't wake u up but I woke up and there is a shirt, boxers, belt and jeans on my balcony, along with a naked guy who claimed to scale the building
I'm ready to get married, then we can lie around watching anime and eating pizza while he rubs baby oil on me
no offense but you looked like shit yesterday
tequila is unforgiving..
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
Randomize
