At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
DAMMIT. BOHEMIAN RHAPSODY IS GONNA GET STUCK IN MY HEAD AGAIN. FUCK YOU OLYMPICS.
I really hope your new roommate never finds out we had a threesome with a bisexual British guy in his room the night before he moved in.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Also, I found this app that is basically a tamagochi from the 90's and now I finally have something to keep me busy at work!
The lady in the stall next to me just screamed "why are you so hairy!?" and "why can't you get any!?" to her vagina. WTF
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
