I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
My idea of sleeping together involves doing the Humpty Hump. Her idea of sleeping together focused more on being fully clothed on the opposite sides of a king sized bed.
True. She actually gives a fuck. A quality looked down upon if she wants to be one of us
he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I can't be the first person ever who had to explain why her bottle of orange juice had a picture of a screwdriver drawn on it
are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Good. Sleepy. In the middle of a pregnancy scare. The usual.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I just bought six bottles of the 2 dollar vodka. oh yes there will be blood
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Randomize
