The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
how can getting a pizza be this hard?
when you've been drinking 14 hours anythings impossible
i'm calling it girls night to make myself feel better but lets be real.....i wasn't going to get any guys tonight regardless
He just kept yelling "body massage machine go" at random intervals throughout the night
hes like the used car salesman of hook ups and closed the deal w my taking him home with me,as is,today
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.
Going to a professional golf course at 2am to throw the flag poles like javelins
What does puking wasabi feel like?
Like snorting cocaine backwards.
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
I don't actually like you. I just want to hook up with you.
I'm fine with that
Randomize
