I don't llike drinking between sober and blackout. Its boring.
the women in the ladies room did not appreciate my innovation of turning a sink into a urinal
I'm dreading the fact that when the dominoes guy comes, he will ask me if i placed an order under the name "high as shit".
You were so drunk that some guy dressed as Harry Potter pointed his wand at you and screamed "Accio SHITSHOW"
My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
TAKE ALL THE MAERHMALLOWS AND PUT THEM ALL IN THE MAGICAL NIGHTSTAND
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I slept with my TA's girlfriend
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
Here's a concept though: eating pasta while getting laid
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Just got invited to a tree party by some random chicks. They're literally just sitting up in a tree with a handle of rum and a box of goldfish crackers and yelled at me as I was walking by...
That guy u hooked me up with kept calling me james while were doing it...
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