Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Is showing up wearing the condom a bit presumptus
I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend
I feel awful
Physically or morally
Physically. The only immoral thing I did was steal money from strippers while they gave me lapdances.
I never want to hear the words unlimited shots for boobs in the same sentence ever again.
Check having sex on the rocks and dirt on the peak of saddleback mountain off my list.
I felt like a god.
He's not replying to my booty call. Like wtf. You have ONE PURPOSE IN LIFE.
(This is the second time ive been high enough to decide to run for office)
I just sustained a forearm injury dancing to salt n peppa in my kitchen. Fack. I pushed it real good.
She had a baby Jesus butt plug
I'm excited for him and his new girlfriend. I'm just going to miss his penis is what I'm saying.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
Randomize
