I was debating whether her purse was real then I saw her puke in it.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence
So he says to my dad "I'll pull out of your daughter but I'm not going to apologize". Yea, my night was fun.
he fucked me with his goalie mask on. it was like sleeping with Darth Vader
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
whatever. i don't need to be drunk to tell you i'd suck your dick if you had one.
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
I told him I might be pregnant and he said he'd buy me a test and a twix bar. I'm marrying him. Tomorrow.
I told him I hooked up with his best friend. And then he ate me out. I'm just THAT GOOD.
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