Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.
I've decided I'm just gonna keep drinking til the baby bump shows...
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
She is trying to turtle bite me and when I pull away she says just let it happen. Then she pulled a poptart out of nowhere
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
Dude... You called me at 3am to tell me you still had your pants.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Welp... sober this am and I still have a parrot.
I grabbed the pretzel bag with my toes last night. I think that day of yoga had paid off.
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
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