Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees
im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
ttyl tear gas
I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.
I'm still mad from all the stupid shit he's done this week that even though I couldn't give two shits about Vday, I'm gonna throw an epic tantrum if he doesn't morph in to Nickolas Sparks for a day
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
