There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
I just want to hang out with her.
You're a liar. Why do I have to give you reasons you can't have sex with my mom? I hate you.
i just hate vaginas for liking penis's insside them
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
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Have you ever looked at the 750mL bottle of wine on the seat next to you knowing that it's just not going to be enough?
Each and every day.
i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me
I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life
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6 margaritas later and free shots of tequila, i woke up with a fat lip and they said i blew my nose in a slice of bread
Why does She think it's her duty to welcome in freshman through the welcome mat that is her vagina
MEET ME OUTSIDE YOUR HOUSE IN THREE MINUTES. BE DRUNK. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I am officially in a love triangle with my celebrity crush
your mom was just petting me...I am strangely comfortable with it
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