I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"
I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?
Empowerment dancing to Touch Me in the Morning by Diana Ross. Handling this breakup SO well.
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
I'm ordering a French maid costume for my dog too. It's like a couples costume, except for losers with dogs.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
tonight...tonight im having sex in honor of you
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Trouble in the neighborhood - turns out my brother's summer lawn care gig also entailed banging three different MILFs and they just all found out about each other
Gotta pay for college somehow...
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