I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
im so sad I can't openly talk about acid tab Sundays
the texts you sent will act as the rosetta stone for all drunk people
you bit my nipple really hard and then looked at me and said 'i feel responsible for the state of your nipples'
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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