this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.
3am cut off hipster s***'s afro on porch. Opened champagne. Felt like delilah cutting off samson's hair. Then shower & anal. So I guess his powers are intact.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
trying to figure out who visited the hillshire farms website enough for it to be in my top sites.
So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes
the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought
If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis
Yknow what, if there is a thug life for white bitches, I'm living it. I went out on a date, watched howls moving castle with my brother till he passed out, then went and got some a+ dick, and made it home in time to take my mom to work. Now its 7am, I'm in bed with some free tacos, and when I'm done eating I'm going to sleep. What a great night.
I knew it was going to be good when he took off my bra and I only realized 5 minutes later
Speaking of boners I learned how to say " jizz everywhere" in sign language
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
Dude, you got arrested for trying to direct traffic with your dick....
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
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