You picked the wrong day to call in sick. She's wearing the librarian glasses today.
according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"
I woke up to his gay cousin telling me I had the prettiest boobs. I don't even wanna know.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.
you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.
Please warn me if you ever end up in porn, cause I don't want to stumble across that on accident, okay?
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
This stupid maranara sauce stain sucks. It keeps distracting me and it looks like I'm staring at my tits.
I found out that rock climbing and alcohol does not go together. Ask my broken arm.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
I just saw a kid on iowa campus story that looked like the guy i made out with on spring break.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
You peed in a public fountain and then felt bad so you put dish soap in it; 4 ft tall bubbles.
Randomize
