booty call
i swear to god if you come over i will kick you in the pussy.
i just threw up ON my final. epic way to end the semester.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
Fat lady wearing Shape Up's. I would feel bad making crude comments, but she has to know it's coming.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
They used the ice bucket from their room to drink beer from and called it the "Holy Grail"
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
Well, I guess you are not meant to have this fucking picture of an adorable baby duck.
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone’s dad. You’re also like a second dad to me as well. And one who I send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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