girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
Sorry for punching you in the face last night. I should have known the boxing gloves were a bad idea from the start.
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?
I was attacked by whores
You threw up on yourself again didn't you?
They were strong whores
Like really my mothers day gift is a pic of his dick
It is. We should just be drunk all the time forever everything is like just 90% more perfect
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
WHY DID YOU NOT OFFER TO LET HIM STAY
Dude, it's like you want him inside me more than i do
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
I need advice on ways to politely say “fuck you on your way to hell”.
Randomize
