I'm too scared of my Fleshlight to even use it anyway.
Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?
I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?
Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
I'm pretty sure my roommate has taken plan B more times than i've had sex. Not sure how that makes me feel.
so i think im going to actually use my calories on food today instead of beer.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
This cabbie knows where I live. Both awesome and weird.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I didn't see her "bad karma" tattoo until after I was balls deep
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I could be doing way worse things besides texting him 'come over and bang my headache away'. i could be on meth
Randomize
