So A**** bought my story about how my hickey was a bruise from wrestling
on one hand i'm glad that i'm not in trouble...on the other hand i realized that the reason i cheat on her is because she is so stupid
you used to get mad at me for mentioning 'unprotected sex' and happenings in my bed
well yeah, but then i realized the wisdom of your ways.
she was so hung over that i had to hold her hair while she puked in a trash can in the middle of the student center as new freshman and their parents walked by.
Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.
It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.
The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.
Of course... Double fistin nati light cuz the powers out and it cuts down the times i gotta open the fridge... Genius
We had car sex in the parking lot of the dispensery while he blasted Tony Bennett. It was so fucking romantic.
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
He sent me a picture of him trying to push his cock into a Gatorade bottle. I dont know if I'm impressed it didn't fit and disgusted that he sent me something so vile.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
How’s your Christmas Eve so far?
I just chased my melatonin with red wine. It’s 12:00pm.
Randomize
