i think my mom watched the whole time
I am pretty sure I told him the clouds were earth's purest filtration system and that snow was the rarest and most delicious water in the world. My lips are burning because we ate so much.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.
I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.
The look on the dr's face when she asked me the last time i had sex and i responded "like an hour and a half ago" ... priceless
Shouting "one vagina to rule them all" was probably not the best way to meet our best mates fiance
i put frozen meatballs in my drink thinking they were ice cubes and I'm vegetarian wtf
Don't be weirded out, but my bondage straps are made of my ex boyfriend's curtains
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I havent moved from the couch and I'm licking peanut butter from a spoon, I'm a beautiful person.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
I can't dude. Last time I was there, I blew the bartender in the bathroom at last call.
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