he quoted Bring It On. It's over.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
either she was really happy we won flip cup, or she was too drunk to notice her boyfriend behind her.
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
I just made an agreement with this milf to shoot her daughters wedding in exchange for blow jobs. Going pro was the best choice I ever made.
We hooked up with 2 friends last night as always and she stole their fucking cocaine and I just had to drive to their house and make her give it back to him hahshshahahah only me
No one should ever be so high that they forget the food. That's just...its a violation of God and Nature, of the very laws that we live by!
I don't really feel bad about it, but I legit just squirted in the back of an Uber and it makes me think how many times has this happened before?!?!
The contents of my fridge consist of alcohol, Nuva ring, and cheesecake. I'm that girl.
He was so drunk we almost didn't even make it to his place because he didn't know where he lived
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
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