i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
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jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
just told my prof that "i dont give a fuck" about the final. nothing like a having a signed employment contract already
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
I apologize in advance for attempting to drunkenly hookup with your sister
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
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Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
How do you tell a woman that you are seeing that the scars on your back are from her awesome-in-bed little sister?
She made me undress her with my teeth...explains the button in my shit this morning...