I'm pretty sure the new "vibrating mascara" is just a disguised dildo for those of us who are too ashamed to purchase a real one.
Well, at least their eye lashes will look good while they masturbate shamefully.
I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?
You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
frozen drink friday is suspended until further notice
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
They just asked a fat guy to move to the other side of the plane. Send me a pic of your tits incase we crash
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".
Is it possible to rally from a drunken seizure?
But yeah, that is officially the new "I just came" picture
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
This lady gave me four cups to go along with my gallon of daiquiri. Silly girl, all I need is a straw.
He pulled out a coupon for $2.50 off the crab cakes and expected us to share that as a meal. Is that the kind of person you really see me dating?