phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
He managed to light the Jello on fire...
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
making an indian outfit so we can be pochohantas and john smith and fuck in the canoe on the night float
The only funny part about this situation was this morning when they rounded up all the drunks in the ER, piled us into a minivan, then dropped us all off at our houses.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
He goes "hi, free today?" WHEN AM I EVER FREE ON A SATURDAY, I GOT HUNGOVER TO BE AND DRUNK TO GET.
Tequila pump. I'm ecstatic your engineering degree has real world application.
You took off all your clothes to try on her fur coat and then punched me when I said you couldn't wear it to bed.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
The bad news is that I stole all your drugs. The good news is that ITS KICKING IN!
I finished masturbating now I'm eating french toast crunch. What is life, and what are friends.
It's only considered alcoholism if you're drinking from something other than a cup....right?
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
Randomize
