MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.
i can't wait to kiss dudes with my vampire teeth in.
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
well my dad not being home definitely made it less awkward to walk in carrying the bra I left wearing.
He just used my bikini trimmer to give himself a fumanchu. And I still plan on having sex with him tonight. This has to be what true love feels like.
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I just remember going to take a piss and looking down on the floor and thinking "that looks comfortable" and then I was out.
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
We should try to put a bagel on your penis
He called out my ex's name during sex.
Alex is a pretty common unisex name.
It was the same Alex. I asked.
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
