My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
p.s. you have a small clit
YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.
Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"
I'm in the laundromat a drunk armenian guy keeps trying to help me fold my laundry. Ah i'm going to miss queens.
so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Those people that talk about exercise endorphins have never experienced a 9x13 pan of mac n cheese endorphins
I spanked her so hard I woke up Grandma
Of course I fucked him. He was wearing a rainbow cock sock and cowboy boots.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Remind me to tell you about this weekend with them. It was the least fun I have ever had drinking. And I have thrown up pork and beer through my nose on the side of the freeway.
Randomize
