do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.
Kate gave me a 3 day old cup of tequila last night and forced me to chug it. P.s. i drew u a picture
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head
It's take your daughter to work day... I really shouldn't be here right now
Apparently drunk me thought it was time for a career change. I woke up with a message from Mcdonalds saying that I was hired as the new cashier.
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
Well since your going through her phone..look man she loves you..she just loves my dick more
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
I think I may have just taught my whole hall how to give a good blow job. So this is college.
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
My vagina doesn't have a refer a friend program. You don't get $25 for getting your friend to have sex with me.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
It was all like "my feathers evolved from scales of a reptile bitches!!" and I was all like "damn this chocolate milk is AWW SOOME!"
Randomize
