i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.
it was really bad. he went around saying "I want you inside of me" to everyone.
sorry for the naked aussie man in your room last night, he got lost on his way to the bathroom
From russia with love. But also with chlamydia.
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
I come into the house and he's fucking doing karaoke by himself... Lady gaga
the gnome is staring at me and the pineapple is wearing shorts. I don't want to do this anymore.
i'd like to schedule a penis for 4pm please.
Randomize