Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
My life is like a Sweet Valley High book but with lots of alcohol.
Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?
Becoming a productive member of society?
Sam. Come on.
looks like were buying each other an abortion for our one year present...
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
How is it possible for someone who gets so many dick picks sent to her, to be experiencing such a complete and utter lack of dick IRL.
I couldn't have possibly been that bad
You had her flip the penny over to the lucky side before you picked it up and ate it...
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
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