lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce
IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.
Tipsy and thinking of you. Talk tomorrow. My alliteration is awesome.
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
I figured it out. hungover me hates drunk me, drunk me hates sober me, and sober me hates being sober. so yes, were blacking out tonight.
U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
Funny how often beer equates to second degree burns on some portion of my body.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I need you to know that everytime my toddler does the downward facing dog in the nude I think about the night you and your dude fell in love.
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
No, I'm just drunk and was excited cause a hot stranger bought me tacos.
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
Randomize
