Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
I'm tempted to see how fat I can get before he leaves me. It's obvious we're playing a game of chicken here.
The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
That's because you're a slut. A slut fucking a fence.
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Nothing like hearing "I found your pinky nail" before you even noticed it was missing.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I could fuck to npr.
You know, finding my first grey pube at 34 is FAR more distressing than finding that first grey hair at 13.
I DO NOT FUCKING WANT OR NEED THIS INFORMATION!
What time is our conjugal visit?
Umm...who is this?
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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