he said i'm too pretty to suck penis
i just rolled a joint on the giving tree. that book has given me so much.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
Came so hard my ears popped. This lovely piece of news and pissin in my driveway brought to you by rum
I miss using glorious as an adjective. I'm gonna start doing that again. And I'm gonna try to get cuntatrosphe in there some more, too.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
Can i have the words "she went crazy and never came back" written on my grave?
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Randomize
