well i just puked at a family gathering so i can cross that off the bucket list
In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
mmmm my 21st bday fucking sucks all my best friends are pregnant...selfish assholes. they just couldnt wait til after my bday.
This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed
is drinking for groundhog day legit?
well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes
its my first week of college and i have a UTI
not easy being a whore now is it
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
apparently we spent 30 minutes inside that big Nike store turning all of their Duke gear inside out. for some reason the employees didn't stop us.
He played pinball with my ovaries. He won.
I have come to the conclusion that my perfect boyfriend is a cardboard cutout of Link with a dildo attatched. Also, Merry Christmas.
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
I can't handle dick pics with conversational captions
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
Neighbor is sitting on his porch looking like he made some terrible life decisions and I just want to be like "I drank half of a handle of peach vodka in a shed last night. I understand" but I think they're swingers so his night probs sucked more.
Ya, It's probably because whenever I close my eyes I see a kitten playing a banjo.
Randomize
