peeing is so easy when youre drunk. you just tell your body to pee and it pees.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
If I'm going to go gay, i'm not going to go for a tiny dick.
My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.
I'm lying on the floor in the back room praying my boss doesn't come to work today.never again
maybe her throwing up on me was a foreshadowing of how she would later metaphorically throw up on my life
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
and than he said 'I did amateur porn for a while' and I just knew tinder did not fail me this time
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
the fact that you beer bonged rum made me so proud, the fact that you threw up an entire footlong tuna melt after... not so much babe
idk how many shots you took between 2:39 and 3:05, but your message went from "Please text me tomorrow." to "Why you sto textom?"
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
