oh, also, we're locked out of the house and we're going to have to take shelter with the hot, poss single, dad next door. i hope this turns into a porno
I mean roof. it goes up. its important day. you should recongziw it.
You're drunk. Make complete sentences.
It's not luke its my birthday or anything. Mike, understand.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
She started crying and told me to leave half way through, I'm walking down main with a bottle of patron and a sweatpants boner.
this better not be you asking for a beej
I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.
A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?
Don't ever give your dog some hamburger at midnight. Its impossible to enjoy a late night burger when your dog just threw it up all over your carpet. Gremlin rules work with dogs.
They better not charge my debit card for what you peed on.
Nick is about to bring home a woman who is 39, a mother, and, by all accounts, FUCKING HOMELESS. Will update as details become available.
I have a cracked rib, no way in hell I'm bottoming for him tonight!
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I don't even have his number. I have his pants tho
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
was that the third sophomore you've banged this week?
third one in three days
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
