FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Just realized my talking to the tv hockey voice is same as my sex voice. Life just got a whole lot weirder.
I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.
he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
would it be mean if I put better with the lights off on my sex playlist just for my hook up with him?
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
How high were you when you left that message, cause you made honest-to-God, credible seal noises.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Randomize
