I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
You bought champagne and told everyone it was because I'd just found out I was pregnant. How exactly is that being a good wingman?
Faces of meth called, they want their look back.
He's a fucking asshole. Who gives good head. And seriously I have never seen someone less committed to hair color
My bank account got hacked so he showed up with a 6 pack wearing a superman cape to cheer me up and you question why I love him?
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Does this mean I have to put a bra on now
I made a separate snapchat account so I could swap nudes with a guy from omegle.
Why do all of your bad decisions sound like fucked up mad libs?
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
just discovered a semi frightening wound on the side of my head that must have happened last night. if i die of a brain aneurysm, make sure they put "sorry for partying" on my gravestone.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
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