Our relationship is like that beach boys song "help me Rhonda" and I'm fucking Rhonda. And Rhondas's the whore in case you've never heard it.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now
saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal
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The cop and I then joined forces to get you up off the sidewalk.
I'm setting a 12:15 alarm for a taco bell run. Be awake or never wake up again.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
All I know is I drank too much, danced too little.. yet somehow woke up on the floor in the arms of some cowboy.
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Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
Yeah, I mean I'll probably fuck him regardless but I'm trying to be a lady about it.
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Oh also we fucked while one of the old Rudolph movies was playing on tv so it was festive
I’m going to cut back. New Year, New Me
I would never wish less dick on anyone but do what you gotta do
I'll talk to you in a minute. Gotta put my peacocks away
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