i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
The bartender told me the best pick-up line was to look deep into her eyes and tell her your gonna flick her vagina
giving him head while hes talking to his fiancee on the phone about inviting me to their wedding.... im invited. should i go or would that be wrong?
the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.
We have a tower of vodka coming. OF VODKA
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
The man who lives downstairs is fluent in Russian, and also a playboy. You should meet.
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
I took so my adderall all I can do is lie on my floor and stare too hard at my hedgehog. He has 42 spines in the dark spot on his shoulder btw.
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
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