just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.
The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.
you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans
Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
Giant stained glass jesus is judging my black pleather pants
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