she gave me a handjob while we were watching elf.... it's that time of year again!!
Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me
Um please remind me to tell you what happened tonight. It involves wine, pain killers and firing a handgun in our apartment. Legit might be hiding from the cops this weekend.
I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
You screamed "I NEED TO GET THE WHOLE SET!" and then proceeded to try touching everyone's balls in the room
i stole nothing, broke nothing, and stabbed nothing. aren't you proud of me?
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
Just cropdusted a little kid that wouldn't get out of my way in Kroger. Welcome to the real world bitch.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
Tequila shots and throwing it at a bell.
This is dumb. I'll keep doing it.
Randomize
