i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
So my date night ended with us watching porn with his roommate.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.
I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see
doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
Using mass transit when I'm hungover makes me feel like I missed my calling as a serial killer
We were watching sports center while I blew him so we could see the football highlights. I missed fall
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
He climbed over 2 rows of the cab and told some random girl we were riding with that he would be in the back seat if she wanted to have sex
I'm wearing jeans from 7th grade and drinking a fucking macchiato. This better be a good day.
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