Are you missing anything? I found a wedding ring in my bed this morning.....
i'm pretty sure you said "blowjob marathon" lastnight
i totally said that
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
i just heard someone have an orgasm and then throw up through the vent in my room.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.
You in for a dick vacation?
YES, even though I have no idea what that means
Send me a picture of our booze closet. I'm homesick.
They walked into the house to see me in my neon pink knee high socks trying to pull you out of the cat carrier by your legs...
Randomize
